A Ghost

"You've become..a ghost".

So much in my life has been shifting and moving underneath my feet that I hardly feel like I have the balance to stand on my own anymore. In the middle of the school day on Monday I got the terrible and unfortunate news that one of my best friends had died on Sunday May 5th in a crazy canoeing accident with his siblings in Northern California; fortunately two of his siblings made it out alive. I don't know complete details, but I am utterly perplexed. I'd received two snapchats from him on Sunday morning (an app I ONLY got to 'communicate' more with him), and now I get the chills every time I think about it.
I feel like a shell of my former self.

I left school early on Monday,
sat in a park with my sister (who also left early to be with me)
and sent this snapchat to Ray

Ray and I met in January 2006 during a crazy semester with a bunch of other crazy kids out in Florence, Italy. What began as a romantic relationship eventually developed into an incredibly strong and everlasting friendship. The last time we'd seen each other was on my short stint in California in July 2011.

I was first attracted to Ray I think because he was unlike anything that I had ever been exposed to. He's Peruvian American, Californian (I always had an obsession with California), handsome, mature (yet silly), passionate, selfless, and weird. Ray never cursed, smoked, drank, or did drugs, but he was one of the funniest, quirkiest, and life-loving people to be around. He came out to the bars and discotecas with us and could handle the night life like a pro.

Ray and I had an art history class together, and we studied abroad under the same program (CEA). One of his roommates in Florence was on the football team at Montclair where I played field hockey, and the girls in my apartment meshed well with Ray and the boys of his apartment so we ended up doing a lot of activities together. We explored Rome, Pompeii, Milan, and Florence during our four month 'vacation'.

Via delle Maggio boys

Pompeii

The relationship I have with Ray is one that is completely and utterly full of love. Not the kind of love where you get married, but the kind of love that means that he's the person I can tell anything and everything to and not feel judged or bad that I'm throwing my mess on him. The guy I can turn to when I'm having guy troubles of my own. The person who will let me cry to him over the phone and make me feel better even though he's 2,970 miles away. He calls me crazy when I tell him that I wake up at 4:30am to run or swim, and often times he's awake himself as he's telling me this. We also never were shy about saying 'I love you' to each other, or letting the other know how much they meant and how beautiful/amazing/wonderful they were. If I had one thing that I didn't regret in our relationship it's that he always knew how much I loved and appreciated him.

Ray was my rock and wall through so many pivotal points in my life. Graduating college, going through my niece's cancer, breakups, career paths, and regular life stressors. I remember telling Ray once that talking to him always gave me such a deep sense of clarity. He opened up my mind to options and ways of thinking that I couldn't ever see to, and he always brought about some sense of peace. He is THE one person I would call in a moment just like this. And all I can do is write this stupid blog post about how much I love and miss him.

Florence

I once told Ray in an email (in February of 2012) that "great people deserve great things, and you my friend are one of the greats". He was happy, had great friends, an amazing/loving/supportive family, a job he enjoyed, and a great girlfriend. He has great things, and I'm so happy that he got to experience that. I am also so incredibly fortunate to have had a person like him in my life, even if only for 7 brief years. He fundamentally changed me as a person and touched me at my core; his impact on me will never waver.

Pompeii

I'm a pusher and a supressor. I tell myself that I can't deal with emotions and grief because 'I'm too busy' when the reality is that I just don't want to. I don't want to work through the waves of grief, longing, and sadness that perpetually wash over me during times of despair so I don't. Eventually it all catches up to me, but I never know how long it will take to arrive. It could be years or it could be months, but it comes. And damn, sometimes it doesn't ever seem like it's going to stop. My father died 12.5 years ago and still to this day I stop and I feel it in the core of my being and the tears just flow. My life is in constant motion because I fear what will happen when I stop, think, and reflect. I didn't go to school the day after I found out about Ray because I couldn't imagine trying to teach my kids, but I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in my bed thinking about him all day so I woke up, swam, ate, biked, snacked, went to school to make plans, watched our varsity lacrosse game, went straight to dinner with my family, then home to bed (and to begin writing this post). It was a day where I was in constant motion. Not enough to not think about Ray, but enough to just keep moving through motions.

Lovely bunch

To say that I move enough to not think about him is so beyond the truth. He is in every moment of my day, and not just now because I am open and raw and the wound is still exposed, but because he was always in every moment of my day. I'm glad that I had already planned on being in CA to spend the weekend with these two loving ladies, and so I am going to rearrange my trip to go up to Santa Cruz and pay my respects to Ray, his brother, and maybe meet some of his family members.

Redwoods park in NorCal

This is going to be hard.

"How terrible it is to love something that death can touch."

Riverwinds Race Report

Saturday before race ride
Only my third time outside since November.

I'm going to keep this short and simple, because it was a short race and also because pictures are in short supply.

SWIM: 3:17

The swim was inside an amazing facility in West Depford, NJ. It was warm inside which was nice because it was chilly as F outside. Bib numbers were delegated based on the predicted time you wrote down for finishing the 200M, this way there would hopefully be less passing in the lap lanes. I consider myself to be a proficient swimmer with good flip turns, but flip-turning diagonally and attempting to go under a lane line at the same time is really hard. I hit the lane lines a few times which was uncomfortable. I got out of the pool at 3:03 (happy with that time) and crossed the mat outside at 3:17.

T-1: 2:39
Always a slug in here. It was chilly outside, but I opted out of my arm warmers because I just didn't feel like putting them on.

BIKE: 32:51 (18.8mph)

The bike was only 10.38 miles, and since my Garmin was functioning at 'indoor' I had no information aside from my HR, so I raced based on feel. Probably a good decision for me for the day, but because I have OCD with my numbers it drove me crazy. Not much happened on the bike, it was short, I got passed by a few people, passed a few people on my own and just hoped that my legs would survive through the run. My feet were a bit cold as it was chilly outside, but not cold enough where I thought I'd get frostbite. I'm pleased with this because this was only my 4th time riding outside since November. I was fearful I'd go 16mph since I have been on my trainer moving pedals for the better part of 5 months.

T-2: 2:01
I literally sat down on the curb and put my sneakers on as if I had all the time in the world. I was laughing and talking to people who were spectating (who I had struck up conversation with before the race and have very very strong feelings on IM Louisville, I don't think I will EVER do that race). I didn't really want to go out on the run, but I kicked my butt into gear and was off.

RUN: 22:44 (7:20)

I had hoped to PR on the run, but hadn't actually looked up my best time until just now. Again, no satellite on the watch and no accurate time (because the race setting didn't include transition, and I didn't realize that so my watch had effectively said run while I was on the bike because I hit lap too many times..such a struggle) just trying to push the pace past my comfort level without blowing up. I didn't take in any nutrition because I didn't want to and didn't think I needed it. I passed a couple people and saw a strong 53 year old that I had my eye on. Passed him, but heard him on my heels maybe a mile and a half later. He told me not to let an old guy like him beat me, and I hung on for as long as possible but in the end I just couldn't hang on anymore. I hate giving up, but I just didn't have it in me.

I finished the run tanked, laid down in the grass happy to see my overall time of 1:03 and change but had NO IDEA what my bike/
run was like. I felt like I had really pushed it, but wasn't really sure. I saw results after getting some more bananas and water, but nothing had said actual splits. I changed, slowly walked back to the car on an endorphin high, and went home. It wasn't until Monday that I saw my results and was really really happy with all of it. I PRd on the run by 32 seconds. The last time I did a sprint race was at the Solana Beach triathlon when I spent a month in San Diego in July 2011 (unfortunately, I never did get around to doing a race recap of that one). I pretty much got every goal I had wanted to accomplish with this race, so that makes me really happy. I continue to amaze myself on the running leg of the races and can't wait to see what the next race brings (on May 18th).

Monday froyo post-race treat
love me some peanut butter sauce

Training this week has been good, but I am exceptionally sleepy. I went to bed on Sunday at 8, woke up at 6 and had been riding a 'I got lots of sleep!' high all day. That high lasted until about Thursday since I had been going to bed early all week. I hardly made it out of bed this morning though to go swim. I was/am exhausted. My legs are also a bit tired, but I think I just need some extra rolling and sticking. I'm going to sleep early tonight, then sleep in a little tomorrow before my last lacrosse game with these freshmen. They're cute and I'm going to miss them. I also will be taking them to yoga today for practice which will be great, for them and for me. I went to yoga on Tuesday night this week and it was very much needed since I missed it for almost a month, but my arms were not happy with me the next day.

My cute little babies for Crazy Practice day

Enough of this. All in all, I'm proud of myself. I stay focused with my training, and I'm proud and happy to see the fruit of my labor come to life on race day. It makes everything that I do worth it.

Lots of sleep = LOTS of energy to be a goober in class
Hoever, that is my favorite hoodie from one of my students
and he is getting me one from Korea this summer.

All the things

"Excuses are like a-holes..everybody has one". Of course I have a long list of excuses for why I've been MIA since the 1st of the month, but I'm just not going to get into it because in the end no one cares.

Since I last checked in I went on a small weekend trip to visit family in St.Louis. It was a nice and quick trip which afforded me the opportunity to cuddle my 93 year old grandma in bed (seriously, it was as adorable as it sounds), pet a persian cat named Stoli, laugh with my uncle & aunt, and absolutely shred my legs on some hills. Central Jersey is flat as a pancake, and doing hard intervals on long runs with hills was torturous. Plus I had no compression socks or foam roller with me -- oh the horror. And, it was hot. But, I'm here to say that I made it after complaining to Chris on Training Peaks over and over again that my legs still hurt from the 18 mile weekend in St. Louis.

I swear this hill is bigger than it looks

Pretty suburbs of St. Louis

Burn

Perfect summer running tank

Mini me found in STL

My cuddle-bug

To say that my life has turned upside down since I last checked in would be an understatement. Actually, said life-changing-event happened last Thursday evening and I have been stressed to the max with that plus regular life & work stressors. I feel like the theme of my blog is more about how stressed I am with a side of training and life. Maybe I'll change this blog name to "Stressed in NJ".

Anyway, I digress. I'm not being coy..actually I am, but I just don't want to get into it now. Maybe next post. Right now I'm thinking about my 2013 debut race on Sunday and how much I feel like it's going to suck. Since spring break at the end of March I've been eatingeatingeatingeating seemingly ALLTHETIME. And the worst part about it is that all I want to eat is carbs. Bring on the scones, pretzels, brownies, pita chips, and anything else that I can eat when hunger strikes and I swear to myself that I am going to die if I don't eat something right away. It's really a shame.

I probably look like that too.

Before spring break, I was one measly pound off of my racing weight from last year and even thinking to myself, "Self, you could possibly even drop a few more pounds this year and see if you can race at a lower weight and perform even better!". Then, the last 4 weeks happened and now myself is laughing at my Self. And my thighs are crying every time I try to squeeze them into a pair of jeans or pants. Always a struggle.

I'm here to say that the buck stops here, or however that saying goes. I'm embarrassed to get into my kit on Sunday and that's just ludicrous. Embarrassed in December, okay, understandable. Not in April when one month ago I was looking like I was in tip-top shape. I'm hoping that this race is so small and local that there will be no photographers on course.

I've also not been getting the sleep I need leading into race week. Sleep and I never get along during the school year but this year for some reason has really taken a beating. On Sunday, or rather Monday, I went to bed at 3:30am because I was grading. I slept through my 4:30 alarm so I had to swim after my lacrosse game. I have been painfully tired all week since then. I'm calling tonight 'get all the sleep' night.

Why grading is sometimes awesome
and at the same time headache inducing

So anyway, I'm hoping that Sunday I can wake up and not miss my race and swim/bike/run fast and get to a place where it hurts, maybe PR on a 5k and then sleep the day away.

JProm with my work loves

Bring your niece to school day
*(not an actual sanctioned event)

I will eventually report back on my race, but expect not many pictures, or just ones of my feet and bike. 

Settling

Sometimes I need a wake up call, or a swift kick to the butt, without even realizing it. My trip to Colorado was just what I needed to get myself in gear and serious about getting faster in the pool, and actually working while I'm on the trainer.

Thanks for the warm welcome, Colorado

I do about 99% of my training solo, especially during the school year since I keep such crazy hours with teaching and coaching. There aren't many people who want to run at 4:30am or swim at 5am. I'm also a bit anal/particular so I don't know that many people would want to train with me (except for Heather, she calms my crazy down).

Outdoor swimming in the snow & wind

Training with someone for eight straight workouts gave me insight in my own training approach and what I've told myself I need to do, and finally actually did while I was in Colorado. I often joke that I don't 'do work' while I'm on my trainer, and it's pathetically true. While most people are drowning in puddles of their own sweat on the trainer, I'm spinning away reading a book or sometimes grading. There are shining moments where I actually push myself really hard, but for the most part I don't. I think of myself to be a very motivated person, but unless I'm outside on the bike, I can't push the intervals like I need to.

Pain cave at Training Peaks

Clearly this was during a recovery set

Trail Running 

OMG babies.

I always thought too that I was doing everything right in the pool and that eventually the speed I had gained last year would come back. I've been consistently swimming again since December and not much has happened. It wasn't until I was swimming with Katie on Sunday that I realized there were numbers that I could hit and that I just wasn't trying hard enough on my own. (I also learned that I can in fact do fly without fins. I've been doing at least 50 yards of it every time I swim ever since with a big triumphant smile on my face.) I had so wrongfully, and vainly, assumed that if I just swam at a pace that was manageable I'd get faster. I constantly made excuses for myself in the pool for why I couldn't go any faster than I was and settled.

Horses in the Colorado sunset

I am not fond of people 'settling' in life because they are comfortable (whether that be with a partner, friendship, career, etc.) and when I realized I was settling in sport I knew it was seriously time to make a change. Since I've been back from Colorado, I've been going at my training in the two other disciples I typically slack off in and I've surprised myself in the pool more in the last two swims than I have since heavy Ironman training last year. Actually, I surprised myself a lot when I was swimming with Katie, but solo-swimming breakthroughs are a big accomplishment. I had two very speedy (for me) runs this week, I was sweating like a maniac on my bike on Saturday, and I hit awesome times for 50s and 200s Monday and Friday in the pool.

On the familiar paths of NJ

Colorado was a breath of fresh air, a kick-start to more focused training, and an all around good time with a great person (and her awesome husband and 3 dogs). The only thing I could have asked for was the weather to be +40 degrees, but, what else can one expect of Colorado in March?

Brewery dinner

Katie, Thom & french fries

Snuggle time with Molly

This happened.

Spring break this week afforded me a lot of flexibility to do things, but I can't believe it's already over! I was able to take a day trip with my sister to Connecticut to visit one of my grandma's and lucky for me I get to see another one in two weekends. I'll take a swift weekend trip to St.Louis to visit my Aunt, Uncle, and grandmother on my father's side. My grandma isn't going to be around forever and I need to make sure that I take the time out to visit her. I love spending time with her but don't do it enough. I'm sure my short weekend will include a nap, CNN, Persian food, laughs, maybe some tears, and pure love. Definitely some running.

Cows and mountains

Leaving on a Jet Plane

The time has finally come for me to embark on my first real training trip. Excitement is an understatement..however as fate would have it I picked the WORST three days in probably the month of March to head out to Boulder, CO. What is that, Murphy's Law? What was supposed to be a blissfully painful three days full of bike riding through Colorado has turned into hours on the trainer, time in the pool, and pounding the pavement. I'm not complaining [that much] as any work is good work, but I was really looking forward to getting outside and doing a lot of climbing. I do however have limits, and I will NOT be riding in 25 degree weather through the snow. No way. I'm supposed to come back east on Monday night. Hopefully I don't get delayed and spend the night in the airport. Knock on wood: I have a history of bad luck and delayed flights. The thing to top all of this off is that it's supposed to be near 60 next weekend. I have no words [that are appropriate].

This is not Spring.

Yeesh.

 I got an email from Katie before the whole weather situation went out of control giving me the run down from her coach about what was on the schedule for the weekend. We were supposed to do 4 hour bike rides + a run off the bike each of the three days. It was going to be gloriously difficult leaving me in a foggy daze every evening wanting to throw my bike off of a mountain and give my lady parts a vacation. Instead I'll be riding to nowhere watching the sweat accumulate around me. I guess I gotta go ovaries to the wall somehow.

This past weekend I had a great time with old high school friends. So much so that I somehow managed to lose my nose ring. This thing had been through thick and thin for the better part of probably 5 years. I am still completely befuddled as to how I lost the damn thing, because it is highly unlikely that it was actually picked out of my nose and chucked across the dance floor.

St. Patrick's in NYC

Fun school pictures just because.

I put in an order for froyo because it was 1/2 off at my favorite place and I had too much work to do and couldn't go myself. One of my senior FH girls was already going so she made me one to-go. I am very lucky indeed.

My very own rap.
Plus weirdly large arm.

On Wednesday I took my lacrosse girls on my training run with me. It was bitter and windy and I hadn't even thought about my nose. Wouldn't you know it, 14 minutes into my 40 minute run down comes the blood. With bloody hands, I ran to the baseball field to ask for a med kit and ran the remaining 26 minutes with bloody hands and a maxi-pad on my face (disclaimer: it wasn't actually a pad, but it kind of looks like one, right?). It was a pain in the  butt, however I had no other time that I could finish the run unless I wanted to go at 9pm. So I sucked it up and finished. Brownie points for looking totally BA.

 

Pi Day

I couldn't have asked for a better week..well actually warm weather would have been really nice, but I try not to be greedy. The week was full of good news, friends, and the making of wonderful memories.

I went to the school musical last Thursday to support all the kids, and it was so supremely wonderful. The kids did 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' and did it proud. It's moments like those that I'm really happy to be where I am with the kids we have. They're talented, thoughtful, appreciative, and motivated. Warms my heart.

On Friday, one of my bosses visited my class to give me good news about my tenure for September. Myself and one other social studies teacher in our school are up for tenure and so long as the rest of the year goes smoothly, we're in. I was happy for that and celebrated with froyo and two of my favorite women after school. Lacrosse practice was cancelled because of some snow and I got to enjoy the afternoon at a slow pace. I loved it.

World's best hand drawing

Saturday I went to Philadelphia to celebrate a coworker turning 30. We had a blast, even if some of us (me included) left at 10:30. It wasn't such a bad thing though since I was meeting Anabel early on Sunday for a long run.

Way too excited @ Barcade
Also, my bands are out of control

Birthday man

Work crew in Philly

Sunday's long run with Anabel was so so great. We ran in Princeton along the Canal path. I forget how much I love running there until I'm there again. We were going at a good clip and had great conversation the whole way. In fact, up until this morning, it was my fastest long run to date! After we finished, we went back to her hotel to change, refresh, gather up her things (husband included) and scoot on over to Teresa's Caffe downtown to have brunch. I'm kind of ashamed, but also not really, to admit that I had pizza for breakfast. It occurred to me towards the end of my run with Anabel when I was STARVING and dying for water that I hadn't eaten dinner on Saturday night. Whoops! I also still do all my long runs up until 2:00 with no calories (before or during). I proceeded to scarf down bread with evoo, pizza, then convinced Heather to go to Whole Foods with me (before we went shopping) to get a scone and a chocolate dipped biscotti. Um, wow. All calories burned during run quickly regained. Sunday was just great on top of great.

After brunch & shopping, I came home to find my sister & husband & pooch waiting to celebrate our sister's birthday (who turned 18 yesterday!). We had a nice vegetarian meal of chili (my 14 year old sister gave up meat for lent..I'm a bit confused too), rice, and crumb cake & strawberries for dessert. I helped myself to lots of chili with hot sauce, and some crumb cake after. I tried not to eat any, but I didn't even realize what my hands and mouth were doing until I had already eaten two pieces! Crap.

She's a beaut

Guinness in a little pooch-lock

At 4:45, I took my older sister and myself to yoga for an INCREDIBLY hot class. The class was packed, and since we got there a little on the late side I was right in the front. Great. Girl with the booty shorts and low cut tank top who has a self-prescribed 'sweating problem' goes right to the front where everyone can watch her expose herself as sweat streams down her chest and legs. It was gross and embarrassing. Especially being that one of my students/lax players and her mother were there. Mom was practicing right next to me. Brownie points for sure! (not) After, we went grocery shopping (my sister, not lax mom) and I held her groceries like a gentleman because I'm much stronger than her. I'm also a sweetheart.

This week was off to a good start, until I got worlds worst toothache on Tuesday afternoon. I suffered through it yesterday until I had to dash out of a work meeting with tears in my eyes (waterworks began as soon as the door closed behind me) because the pressure had built too much and all I wanted to do was pull out every single molar on the top right half of my mouth. Fortunately, a cocktail of Tylenols + Advils work wonders and I'm scheduled for an emergency visit with my dentist at 10:30. I still woke up this morning at 3:45am so I could get in my long run thinking that I'd get in at the office at 7:15. I took a nap once I heard that I couldn't get in until 10:30. The run was amazing, because it was the fastest and I felt great. HR was a little high, but it does reflect my output so it's okay.

Lunch at Whole Foods with the best 18 year old around

Pending what happens at the dentist, today could be a great day. Also, it's Pi Day (math geeks: 3.14), how could it NOT be good?!